Made in Ecuador

It seems like all I do is vent about my older brother.  Frankly I’m tired of trying to figure out why he acts the way he does.  I nearly lost it today when my boyfriend was over for lunch and my family, mainly my brother, were being jerks.  These last couple of years, living so close to my family, remind me why when I left for college I rarely came back.  I feel invisible around them.  I feel like in order to survive and not have a breakdown I need to shut down.  I can’t be myself around them.  I am the black sheep.

Today I sobbed for the first time in years.  Sure I’ve cried before but today it was the kind where you whole body shake and you just release.  I felt better afterwards because I accepted the fact that I am an outsider in my home, my family and that’s okay.  I’ve realized that I’ve been pushing for my family to accept me, like me and my friends and my boyfriend.  When in reality they don’t really.  They’re not horrible people, and they are there for me in emergencies.  It hurts because to me family is very important.  It’s the most important thing. Yet I acknowledge that I’ve been pushing these people to care/like me, I’ve been forcing myself to act a certain way in order to gain their approval and acceptance.

You might wonder why I don’t tell them all of this, share my feelings, but what would that do?  Besides giving them more ammo to use against me, it would just reaffirm their view of me: an emotional, overly sensitive woman.

A year ago I made a huge effort to build some kind of relationship with my dad.  I’ve always been resentful towards him the most and I wanted to change that. I wanted to let the bitterness go, truly forgive and forget and start new.  We aren’t the best of friends but I can talk with him on the phone for more than 5 minutes.

Now, however, I don’t feel the same.  I think about why he didn’t make the first step.  Why did it have to be me?   The conclusion I reached is that it’s because I’m the one who cared the most.  I’m the one who wanted to have some kind of relationship.  Not him.

I’m tired and the tears are starting to come again because it hurts.  It hurts to want to love and care about someone and want to have some kind of relationship but they don’t want it.  I know and have accepted that I’m trying to hard and I need to stop.  I’m letting this consume me and break me, when I need to accept it, know that I’m going to be okay and in the end I do have people in my life who truly love me.

I haven’t come to a final decision, what I can say is that I cannot stay here in OR, or anywhere in the West Coast.  I need to go somewhere far away, maybe another country.  I need a break from my family.  Rebuild my confidence and when I am healed and 100% economically dependent, then I can face them.  I need to be stronger in order to no let what they say knock me down and the only way I can do is to be far away from them as possible.