Made in Ecuador

So I had a personal breakdown yesterday full of screeching, ranting and breaking things! Actually the last one isn’t true.  Although sometimes I feel like going to the dollar store and buying a $10 worth of glass.  I feel better now, sometimes I just feel like the whole world depends on me to be a perfect person, make the perfect decisions, look perfect.  I’ve realized that it’s not something that people have imposed on me, but something I expect from myself.  Most days I am a confident woman, grateful for the people and things in my life.  Sometimes though I feel so pressured to be on.  What I mean is that there are days when I want to be quiet and still and just be and yet I feel like people don’t like that about me.  It’s true as I’m writing this I’ve realized something else- I still care about what people think about me.  Uuugh I need head space from myself.  I need to stop thinking and just be.

So I’ve vegged for most of the day and now I’m studying with my sweet bird and I’m happy.  It’s weird how being around her and other close friends, gives me peace.  If only I had a hidden video camera and then you could see her craziness, hahaha she’s high and getting me high very slowly.  It’s almost 6….I need to put adelle away.

I love this word.

I’ve decided I’m going to cut my hair pretty short. Not a bob or anything- please people don’t be crazy! My long hair is my security blanket. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I do, however, want to let it go. I need to let this fixation go. So I’m going to get a short haircut.

On a somewhat related note: I dislike how people, especially men, associate long hair with beautiful woman (uugh). Woman are beautiful in all shapes and sizes and colors. I hate watching TV for the sole reason that we are subjected to a certain kind of beauty- skinny, long hair, pouty lips, and big breasts; sometimes big butts although generally we see this kind of physique on woman of color- latina or black women. I know these women have big butts and big hips (d’uh) (rolling my eyes). I could write a book about how irritating it is to hear and see how other people define what women of color, especially latinas, are. Please tell me who I am because I don’t know (more rolling of my eyes). I’m going to celebrate my big hips and prominent nose    ( thanks bibi for the perfect word to describe ma nez) and big owl eyes. and big mouth. Hahaha I’m big and that’s fine. For the longest time I’ve had a complex towards my body image and it does’t help when I have people telling me “Wow you fit into a size small?” or “You have cow eyes!”, like their appreciation for my appearance will make me feel better. I have this to say to you, I don’t need your compliments or piropos to like how I look.

I thought I published but didn’t :S I’m still getting used to this whole blogging thing….

So I have to go to work in a couple of minutes and I don’t wanna.  That scary thing is that this feeling is only going to get worse as the days get sunnier and this school term is over.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy the work that I do.  For those are thinking where does she work? Well I work as an Instructional Assistant in a Spanish GED class.  What a mouthful.  It’s not that I think it’s pointless or useless for my career.  I’m not the kind of person who puts a lot of emphasis on a “right” way to do things.  For example: I’m studying environmental economics, therefore, I should intern at EPA or BLM etc and get a fancy desk job at the 40th floor of a building. (shudder) I’ve decided a long time ago that I was not going to be a cookie cut version of a successful person.

If my current job is fulfilling, then why do I dread going? I hate working in the afternoons.  I didn’t really take into account how much I love my afternoons and early evenings to work out, walk around downtown corvallis or just have personal me time.  Now with this time alloted to working I have only one hour at night to do this.  I realize that if this is my greatest problem, than I am very blessed.  That’s not the point.  The point is that I miss my afternoons, I miss that personal time.  AND I dread becoming an adult. I’ll talk more about that later, since I must head to work.

I love to try new things.  Whether it be food, movies, sports.  Although don’t confuse this mentality with “I’ll try anything once”, because there are plenty of things I haven’t done.  I always thought that the blogging community was not for me.  But after months of having great and enlightining conversations, I want to write down my theories, views and politics.  Whether they’re radical or extreme is not for anyone to decide.

I’m not on an agenda here I just need a place to ramble and fuss and pour out my muddled thoughts.  Plus I enjoy going back and reading my past musings and see how I’ve chaged or see the different things I was doing.  Most of these posts are will probably make no sense and that’s ok, this is for me.